Dating a single parent
Most of us grew up thinking about our life as a fairy tale. We’d start dating and then get engaged, then we’d be getting married at a church have children and then boom, your whole life is set. Well, that’s not the case anymore now a days. I hate to say it, but sometimes things don’t always go as if it would be like a Disney princess movie.
We live in an era where the divorce rate is higher now than ever before. Holding on to a marriage because of children is not an ideal life for some people. Now, that is not what I’m going to cover today. We are talking about dating while you are a single parent or even dating a single parent.
Oof! I said it, I cannot tell you how difficult it is to date as a single parent. This comes in all different directions whether if you are mentally ready for it or physical ready for it. I have been a single parent for quite sometimes now and I hate to break the ice, but it is not easy!
Are you mentally ready for it?
This is a question you should ask yourself, whether it’s dating someone who is a single parent or dating as a single parent. Dating as a single parent can mentally challenge you. When I began to go on dates, my mind always circled around what my children needed. The feeling of guilt came across my mind every single time knowing that maybe I should spend more time with my children instead of worrying about dating another man. One other thing that always bothered me every single time was that I shouldn’t go on dates if I should taking care of my kids. For years and years I always felt wrong going out to have my me time and enjoying it. I will tell you right now, for those that are single parents and asking yourself the same question I have for years, IT IS OKAY TO GO ON A DATE AND ENJOY YOUR TIME! You are not being a selfish parent by taking couple nights out of the month to see if you could find that true love or match. This does help your mental health! We can all be the 100% parent but, it’s important to explore what’s out there.
For those who are thinking about dating a single parent, make sure to understand that this date means a lot for them. They are willing to take their time away from their children to get to know you. So please take it seriously. Also, for those who are looking to date someone with children, you are not only dating a person. If those dates are successful, you have to ask yourself if you are mentally ready to take a role model position in this relationship between you and the children. As you can see, I said role model. The reasons behind it is because people who are dating someone who is a single parent is going to introduce you to their children someday. Whether being introduced as friends or gf/bf, it is a big step and not many people aren’t ready to take on to that role. Of course you won’t become an instant step dad or mom, but these children do look up to adults in their life and are you mentally ready to act as a mature adult in front of children ?
Be honest about your lifestyle
I always pay attention to the lifestyle of potential dates. The life style I live is typically considered the normal single mom life. I am with my children 24/7 so my lifestyle isn’t much adventurous as some single person with no kid. So I would be looking for someone who is ready to settle down. Maybe someone who isn’t out every single night at a bar. I also see a lot of people that they have children. When someone does not claim their own children and the child is with them every other weekend, it should be a sign that he or she isn’t a good person. Most single parent will proudly tell you they have children.
If you are the person dating with no child, make sure to be brutally honest with your lifestyle. Do not paint a picture of a laid back chilled person if you are almost live at the bar every night.
Understanding responsibilities
As a single mom, my first and most important responsibility is my children’s livelihood. No matter what, they come first. When you become a single mom or dad, those responsibilities comes in a long list. I have seen friends and family who put their children’s responsibilities on another persons hand and it does very well bother me. Those children’s responsibilities should be only in your hand and as well as the other parent and no one else. Sure, ask for help if it’s a dying need or even just a little break from the children once in a while. However, dating someone doesn’t mean you have freedom to leave your children with your new bf or gf so that you can party it up every weekend. Be responsible. Your significant other is not your free babysitter. Another thing that comes through my mind when it come to dating with children is that there will be days where your babysitter will bail on you at the last minute on a night you are meeting someone new or just starting to date. This happens almost every time! Yes, it can be upsetting or disappointing but things happens and we just have to learn to live with it. Of course apologize to your date for cancelling at the last minute. However, explaining the reasons to why you couldn’t proceed with the date will give the other person a better understanding. If your date is great person, he or she will have no problem with it. If they don’t….. well I hate to break it to you, but it’s not a great sign, that would be a red flag on my book.
For those who are dating someone with children, please understand that being a single parent isn’t easy. For someone to pay a babysitter to keep an eye on the children shows that they are willing to take a chance. If they had to cancel because of that same similar situation is because they are a great person and taking their responsibility very seriously. That type of character is hard to find now a days so embrace it and consider yourself lucky! As for people are dating someone who has a child or have children they are not always available. If you have accomplished to the next steps understand that they may sometimes ask for help as you can see, you have established more comfort and trust with him or her to be able to get a little involved. It’s not easy especially not knowing exactly how to act so always ask the parent how to act around the children.
Meeting the ex
We all hate talking about our ex’s. Past is past. However, when there is children involved I think it’s important that we talk about this subject. If the relationship becomes more concrete I think it’s best to talk about the other parent. As to my experience, I already explain to my dates that we do very well when it comes to co parenting. Although our past relationship did not work we do very well as friends. Sometimes it’s not easy for anyone new in the relationship to know that you have that type of communications with the other parent. Vice versa the co-parenting maybe a little harder and it could be a lot of drama. For me, I believe that the person you are dating should at least have an idea of what they are getting into. I feel as it is fair for the other person to be prepared as to what it would be like to be part of each other’s life.
For the person who is dating the single parent should be aware that one day, you will have to meet the ex. This is the key to having a better communication with the other parent. Like everyone says, they will always be part of the child/children’s life so make the best of it. I know it can be awkward and it can be weird, but just understand the shoes they will be in. The other parent will most likely will be concern what kind of person will be entering in their child/children’s life. Also, this will be the time to understand the child’s/children’s house hold rules and routine to keep the children in check. This may be too soon to talk about if you are just starting to date, but if the relationship is more serious, this is the type of steps to take as you become one of the child’s/children role model.
Kids personalities changes
Now we have been talking about how two adults life can change. But we also have to cover the children’s feelings too. It’s a whole new lifestyle for them already knowing that mom and dad aren’t together. As a single parent, I always put my kids needs first and that also includes if they are ready to have another person in their life. Kids are most likely still in the fairy tale world where mom and dad lives happily ever after. In this case, that is not correct and they also will have to be mentally and physically be ready to accent another adult in the house hold. I believe that the children at a proper age should be aware that you are wanting to find your sole mate and that it’s is okay to take a different path to have a better happily ever after story for yourself. Make sure to have that talk with your kids. If they aren’t ready maybe introduce the new bf/gf as a friend for a while and keep any intimacy or pda where it is not visually available for them to see. Kids are not ready! This process can take a while but it’s best for children to help them mentally prepare.
For the person that is dating a single parent: yes those children can be bratty and insanely uncomfortable to be around but understand that they are not as easily ready to make those changes as fast as you become much closer to their mom or dad. Those children will test you to the limit sometimes. So make sure to keep a close attention to how you can slowly win their heart and communicate with your significant other to achieve a better relationship. You don’t have to jump into the step parent role right away! Be their friend and become the best version of you around them. At the end of the day you will need their happiness to also include you to keep the relationship you have going. With time, hopefully things will get better and the children will warm up to you.
Jealousy
It’s a dirty word, but this will pop up into your mind. This comes in different forms. I’ve felt jealousy numerous of time. Because I am a single parent, there will be days where my date or bf will want to have his own time with friends. That day can consist on days when you have children. I know somedays I wish I could do things with people my age and not have any responsibility to take care of. I may seem like a horrible person by saying this but I have my children 90 percent of the year and there will be days where I can be very jealous that I have to stay home and not able to go out. My advice is this; keep yourself busy and spend that time with your child or children. Your significant other maybe out enjoying time with his friend, but you are investing more time with the kiddos who will be in your life forever.
As for the person dating a single parent. There will be days when your girlfriend or boyfriend will be talking to the other parent. Do not be the jealous bf or gf. No matter what you say and what you do if your significant other has a great co parenting skills with the other parent, they will not compromise or willing to take another issue under their belt. What this means is that there is a reason they are not together. In some cases there are times when both parents my get back together, but it is not something you can control. At the end of the day you have to understand that they are no longer together and you have to trust the person you are with. There may be times where you still see them as a family and feel excluded. You will just have to get over the fear or act of competition. Trust me it is not worth it. It could also cause a relationship issue in the future.